More blaaaaah

I'm human, you know?
I need that feeling. That feeling like you're needed?

It sounds like crappy lyrics from a 90's pop rock song.

My phone is too quiet.

Release

It's only been TEN DAYS?!

It feels like it's been a YEAR!

I feel like garbage. All the time. My motivation is exactly zilch, and it's like my mind has turned completely off. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone. I'd rather just lay face down on my bed and groan into my pillow.

Of course, that's not what I'm doing. I'm not a complete wuss, I'm not going to just succumb to being a miserable, pity craving turd. However, every single cell in my body would prefer I didn't have to feel like crap.

But I said I'd do this.

Time to Upgrade?

The days chug by at the slowest pace. I've got a job at school, outside of my major, not even remotely related to my major, and graduation and my dreams of traveling still seem so very far away.

Lately entire days have gone by without any meaning. I work, I come home, I waste time playing xbox with the few meager hours I have to myself, I go to bed. I need money to survive, so I'm stuck. Its the easiest job in the world, but its becoming like an anchor. I go out on the weekends, sure, but I never do anything meaningful.

I'm not happy just having a good time, sitting around with my friends, I want to achieve something. My goal in life isn't comfort or relaxation, it is doing something meaningful with every step.

I'm failing at that.

I mean, I read all the time. I have about 6 tabs open reading about speculations on the evolution of human communication, endangered species in the middle east, and what Discovery intends to do to their Shark Week block so it's less like a gore fest and more like its trying to contain actual information this year. I never stop reading about what I'm studying, but it just isn't enough to read and understand anymore, not from this far away.

I feel I've learned all I can learn from this setting. That is probably what tortures me the most. I've got everything I need to know from this place and now I'm stuck rounding up a few loose ends because the system says I need them.

Sure, getting my hands dirty earlier this summer, doing the kind of work I hope to do for the rest of my life, had me soaring... but the summer's later events turned that toward the ground REAL fast.

Now each day is spent waiting for the next, hoping the summer to end as quickly as possible. My motivation to innovate and get out of this rut, for the time being at least, is busto.

There's nothing worse than feeling helpless. Not to a guy like me, there isn't.

Good old Jim.

I don't second-guess myself very often.

But lately I've been setting the worst kind of records.

It'd be nice to think that she was thinking about me.

But that's, more than likely, just wishful thinking.

I've been putting 'pennies' aside in my head every time I've wanted to say something to you that I'm not allowed to.

I've got $1.75...

Indecision

Now aint the time for playing around, kiddo.

Shit, or get off the pot.

The long haul

I'm such a prick, I just don't know how I live with myself, sometimes.

Oh, right. The sweet satisfaction of victory is what keeps me going.

You can't con a con artist, pal of mine. You haven't seen the half of what I've got in store for you and yours.

And now that I've got more room to... run around, things will get interesting at a much faster rate. Ooo, I need this right now, you have no idea.

A litany

There is a little stall on campus that has really good pretzels. The guy behind the counter doesn't speak English very well, he's Russian or Ukrainian or something, and he always says 'You're welcome' before I get a chance to say 'Thank you'.

The first time this happened, it ran through my mind that this guy was trying to be a dick, because I had actually forgotten to say thanks before I started to walk away. He wasn't, of course, it has since then become apparent that he is simply trying to be polite in a language he doesn't fully understand, but it still bugged me at the time.

I didn't intend to be rude and not thank the man, it just happened. I was half awake, or whatever. The fact remains that he pointed out that I had forgotten to thank him, whether he intended to or not, and made me insecure about having been rude. For a split second, I even felt animosity toward this guy for trying to make me look bad, and more importantly, doubt myself.

Sometimes another person might make you feel stupid, or look stupid, but one should always consider whether or not they actually intended it. Do we make them the enemy to avoid thinking about how we really feel? To avoid facing our own insecurities? Because we'd rather be victims than empower ourselves? It's a dangerous thing we do when we speculate in our own mind as to what the intentions of another are at any time. In a universe where virtually every second of life should be considered a miracle to have occurred, assumptions about anything are a dangerous thing to make.

Especially when it could drive you and another person apart for no good reason at all.

I really hope she sees that.

Who is at fault?

Being assertive isn't a personality flaw.

Being off-put by assertion because of insecurity is.

A man shouldn't be punished for knowing what he wants and taking it.

That is all.